Hello Frens
Summer is here, which means the shilling machine will be focused on the ultimate warm weather staple, or the male equivalent of push up bras if done right.
That’s right it’s time to talk shorts.
Now we’re going to begin with a bit of a disclaimer. In the year of our Lord 2022, shorts are optimally going to be short, the way they were intended to be and sending an ill timed spit in the face of the literal capris we were all decided to wear between the period of Allen Iverson deciding basketball needed to legged skirts and when Harambe got clapped.
Shorts are an interesting case because they should be a fairly easy article of clothing to get right. There’s not much in the way of fit and taper to get right vis-à-vis long pants. They tend to be informal so the material, waistband, pattern etc. are significantly more forgiving depending on what the wearer chooses.
But what is it about shorts nowadays that still leaves so many people confused? Well, I believe it’s a combination of the fact that coof has made a great many people absolutely fashion indifferent whilst they didn’t leave their couch for two years, that their targeted social media ads don’t see them as viable candidates for displaying proper clothing companies, and a sprinkle of flat out refusal to adopt certain new trends for the sake of either being cheap and wearing old clothes (yikes) or simply not liking the look.
Unacceptable.
Summer is here, memorial day is coming down the pipe, and if you don’t have an arsenal of thigh flexing shorts then you’re probably the type of person that would rather spend a third summer inside desperately seeking your dopamine fixes from glowing rectangles while the money you could have spent on nice clothes continues to be worth less month over month. Enjoy your cricket fajitas, nerd.
As stated, the topic of shorts is a relatively easy one. All you need in order to look good on the beach, by the pool, or while perusing the farmer’s market offerings this summer are two basic things.
1. Legs for Days
This is not a men’s physique stage show, in the year of our Lord 2022 you are solidly no longer getting bailed out by 14” inseams that fall halfway down your knee and gratuitously hide your nonexistent desire to do squats.
The whitepill is that those of you who read my substack are obviously smart, and also likely follow BowTiedOx and other based lifter associates who have turned your thighs into proper Christmas hams. Rejoice because the payoff time is here and it’s open season to flex what the iron hath bestowed upon your insulin syringe pockmarked ass.
If you think you can get around your lack of any winter and springtime leg days by rocking long inseam shorts anyway, know that you will look like a fashion backward Ricky and should likely shave your head, don some Oakley Gascans and settle up in the front seat of your 2007 Ram truck to film a video about how much you hate Democrats. Go all in on the look.
2. The Arsenal
What you will want for your basic shorts setup will fall into three basic categories. They are heavily interchangeable, but having one of each will come in clutch for specific occasions.
Athletic
Khaki
Swimming/Tropical
If you have more than three wrinkles on your brain you haven’t bought a pair of shorts in person (outside of a lululemon brick & mortar store) since Jersey Shore was on the air. I don’t want to hear it about your great pair of cotton fabric shorts you got for a great deal at H&M, I get there’s exceptions.
Cut and dry there are a few manufacturers in the game, primarily online retailers, who dominate the shorts game, and all focus should be put on them for purchases until further notice. These are, in no order; Birddogs, Lululemon and Chubbies.
You likely know birddogs from the incredibly high octane autism they inject onto the social media timelines of seemingly every man 18-34. Three years ago, I decided to reward this autism with my money, and have been a satisfied customer every since. The most broad market and versatile shorts manufacturer in the game who perfected the inner lining on shorts of all styles.
Everyone knows lululemon for their ability to make women lie about the constitution of their caboose, but did you know they have a highly respectable men’s line as well? Their shorts and joggers specifically are among the staples everyone should have at least 1-2 pairs of in their primary rotation, given you don’t have to take out a mortgage to make the purchase.
Chubbies have been around. They braved the landscape of the early 2010s before short inseams were even in style, by marketing heavily to college fraternity guys who didn’t give a fuck and were too busy buying bitcoin for $300 and immediately using it to buy bricks of drugs. Now they're enjoying the scale that comes with being 10 years early.
Now let’s break it down; what to buy from whom and how to use it.
Athletic
Lululemon wins here, and I’ll tell you why.
Liner.
The absence of a liner in a pair of shorts you’re gonna use for running, lifting, lounging, day drinking, etc. will extend the intra-wash lifespan significantly. If you’re working out in a solid pair of compression shorts or your knockaround lifting underwear, you’re going to avoid dirtying/stinking them up to the point of requiring a spin cycle less rapidly than you will with a pair of built in underwear.
Pace breakers, in a light and/or non saturated color, are the go to. If 6 feet or less, 5” inseam. If above 6 feet, 7” inseam. Hem should fall 3-4” above the top of the knee.
Now, athletic enjoys a part 2 in that not every pair of “athletic” shorts needs to be worked out in. We live in the age of athleisure, and wearing gym style clothes out in public has never been more acceptable.
This is where birddogs come in. Their line of gym shorts is ideal for the everyday athleisure look, and the liner is a super comfortable and lazy friendly alternative to having to burn a clean pair of underwear.
All colors, outside of the incredibly loud, are viable. Recommend all heights go with 6” length.
Khaki
Literally the most boring and stylistically straightforward options fall into this category. End of the day pairing a clean well fitting tee with a khaki/oxford short will look good in any setting when it’s 70+ degrees out. The key here is finding what material and color works best for you.
The most versatile will be a classic khaki, as it goes with pretty much anything. Light, dark, polo, henley, tee, the whole German approved line of tops. Options are plentiful.
Birddogs Uncle Bucks. Recommend all heights go with 6” length.
Chubbies The Staples. If 6 foot 2 or less, 5.5” inseam. Only get 7” if you’re a big boi, talking 6 foot 3 plus.
There is also the option of blue oxford, which has a slightly more limited pairing range but can present a knockout look with white and pastel colored tops.
Birddogs Blue Babes. Recommend all heights go with 6” length.
Swimming/Tropical
This is easily the most fucked up category which is understandable because the amount of effort that goes into advertising proper swimwear for men is basically zero. There have always been very stylish and expensive brands available to men, but in lots of cases it was either those (few and far between) or a $12 pair of thigh chafing sausage grinders picked up at Target while already 3 beers deep on the way to the pool party.
Fortunately this particular market inefficiency has begun to be rectified in the last few years, and there remains zero excuse to show up to the waterfront with something that was obviously purchased off a rack sitting right next to the clearance copies of Nicholas Cage movies.
My (budget acquainted) pick for 2022 is Duvin Design and their line of swim trunks. They come in one inseam length - “short”. Yeah, I’m thinking based.
Below are my design picks for this summer.
Now go enjoy getting a thigh tan, not turning your inner things into hamburger meat every time you get in the water, and actually drawing some eyes to the fruits of all your Grizzly tier squat rack screaming.
This is financial advice.
@BowTiedGerman - I live in a southern state where it's pretty warm year round, so I wear shorts through most of the year.
What are your thoughts on colors? Is it okay to wear khaki color deep into late fall + winter (thinking November through April)? If no, what colors do you recommend?
ctrl+f "nantucket red" no results found - wat mean fren, nice post though, last pair will have to get for myself